Reviews Are Your Friend
by thechaosdiva
Summary: Learn how to review fanfics, hosted by Clu-Muse in his lovely fig leaf
1. Default Chapter

The stage was dark and blank. There was a scuffling of feet and a harsh murmur and the sound of scraping feet. Suddenly a spotlight hit the stage illuminating Clu-Muse, clad in a very attractive fig leaf. He smiled nervously and took a gulp of air.  
  
"Hi," he began, "Um, I'm Clu. Well, actually I'm Clu-Muse, and while my likeness belongs to Disney, I belong to Claire, the author."  
  
A spotlight flashes on Claire who is attempting to vogue, ignoring the fact that she has no rhythm.  
  
"Psst, Claire!!!!" hissed Clu-Muse, "You're on!!"  
  
"No, you goof," she replied, "You're on; I'm just making a cameo!!!"  
  
"Well, could you at least stop vogueing?"  
  
"Of course not!!! Now get on with it!!!"  
  
Clu-Muse smiled, "Uh, well, let's get this started. Welcome all of you to Reviews Are Your Friend!!!! Starring me, Clu-Muse and my So Weird pals."  
  
The stage was suddenly illuminated by a bright light, showing the rest of the clan in various attractive poses.   
  
"Hey, why am I the only one in a fig leaf?"  
  
"Cause you look so good in it," stated Jack.  
  
"Hey!!!!!" came a voice.  
  
Clu-Muse turned, "What!!??"  
  
Christine stepped out, "What about us? We were promised a cameo, too!!!"  
  
Clu-Muse sighed, "Fine. And Christine, aka JackPhillipsGirl, Roger, aka Three of Eight, and Tabitha, aka Tablynvan, are also in this."  
  
"DANGIT!!!! It's TABETHA!!!! Not Tabitha!!!!! Get it right!!!!"  
  
"Dude," said Clu-Muse, "I said that. How'd you know how it was spelled?"  
  
"I'm psychic," she muttered.  
  
"Ahem, let's get on with this!!" cried Claire.  
  
"Thank you," said Clu-Muse, adjusting his fig leaf.  
  
He walked over to a chalkboard that Annie was standing, posing like a Price is Right model.  
  
"Now, first we have to know where to review. Annie?"  
  
She started to draw on the chalkboard, "Okay, so I'm reading a story and I want to tell the reader how much I loved it. What do I do? I go to this pretty little blue box on the bottom and write a comment…"  
  
She turned to look at Clu-Muse, "Have you been working out?"  
  
"No!!!!!!!!!!!" cried Claire, diving at Clu-Muse, grabbing his waist, "Bad Annie!!!! No hitting on Clu-Muse!!!! You're too young for him!!!! And too stupid!!!!!! And too…Whatever!!!!!!!"  
  
"Here!!!" cried Tabetha, tossing Claire a whiffle ball bat.  
  
"Thanks," said Claire, proceeding to whack Annie with the bat.  
  
"Try singing your fluffy pop-crap now, Miss Thang!!!!!!" she seethed.  
  
"Claire, Claire," said Clu-Muse, "Can't the beating wait?"  
  
Claire sighed, "I suppose. You may continue."  
  
Clu-Muse nodded and walked over to where Jack was standing.  
  
"Hey, dude," he said, patting Jack on the shoulder.  
  
Jack stared at him.  
  
"Kiss him!!!!!!" cried Roger.  
  
Everyone turned to stare at him, "What!!!?"  
  
Roger blushed, "Nothing."  
  
Clu-Muse, looking rather flustered, continued.  
  
"So, Jack, explain to us how we review a fic once we've read it," he said.  
  
Jack turned on the overhead projector that magically had appeared next to him.  
  
"Now, we first must decide…"  
  
"KISS HIM!!!!!!!!!!" screamed Roger.  
  
Jack turned, "What!!?"  
  
"Nothing," said Roger, examining his shoelaces.  
  
Jack sighed, "Okay, so we want to review. We want to make it obvious that we liked the story and that we want to express our feelings for it."  
  
"God, you're not planning on marrying it, are you?" asked Christine, coming up behind Jack.  
  
"Huh?" he asked.  
  
"KISS HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" hollered Roger, going blue in the face.  
  
"Dammit Roger, he can't marry me if he's making out with Clu!!!" cried Christine.  
  
"And it's not Clu!!!!" cried Claire, "It's Clu-Muse and he's MINE!!!!!"  
  
The three of them began to scuffle.  
  
Tabetha sighed loudly, "Okay, they're being stupid. Clu-Muse, you and Jack may continue."  
  
Jack, looking flustered continued, "Um, well, first we want to say we liked it. This is best done by saying 'hey, great story' or something like that. Then we want to explain why. Something like 'I love how you paired blank and blank together' or something."  
  
A strangled cry of "Kiss him!!!" could be heard from the scuffle on the floor.  
  
Jack shrugged, "Whatever. Then you click the review button, and VOILA!!! You have reviewed the fic!!"  
  
Clu-Muse nodded, "Great work, dude."  
  
Jack looked at Clu, "You think so?"  
  
"Awww, absolutely dude, you rocked."  
  
"Really?"  
  
"Would I lie to you?"  
  
"Jack, I..."  
  
"I know…"  
  
They threw their arms around each other and pressed their lips together, soft moans escaping their parted orifices.  
  
"Orifices?" said Claire, "Dude, I'd never write that, that sucks."  
  
"Weren't we just fighting about something?" asked Christine.  
  
"THEY"RE KISSING!!!!!!!!!!!" cried Roger.  
  
"What!!!!!!????" cried Christine, "NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"  
  
She ran over and grabbed Jack, hauling him over her shoulder with incredible strength, "Come on, you poor misguided boy…"  
  
"Um…well…" said Clu-Muse, "since Jack is, uh, indisposed, let's move on."  
  



	2. Continued

Clu-Muse paused, "My this tutorial is long, isn't it?"  
  
He moved to the front of the stage to where Carey was standing.  
  
"Hey bro," he said.  
  
"What's up, Clu?" said Carey, a smile crossing his face.  
  
"Kiss him!!!!" cried Roger.  
  
"No, no, no," said Claire, "There will be no incest in my story, go in the corner."  
  
Roger frowned, "Make me."  
  
"That's it!!!!" cried Claire as they began to fight again.  
  
Carey stared at them and shrugged, "Okay, I'm here to talk about flames."  
  
He held up a long scroll of papyrus.  
  
"Why papyrus?" asked Clu-Muse, adjusting his fig leaf.  
  
"Because I like it," said Claire mid-scuffle.  
  
Carey sighed, "Okay, flames. Flames are written by people with small brains who don't know enough not to read a story they know they won't like. They rarely leave an email address, because then their lovely web anonymity would be shattered. They usually don't know how to spell, and they may have passed third grade, but we're not entirely sure of that. I think that's all. Oh, and I love Molly."  
  
"What!!??" said Clu-Muse, staring at his brother.  
  
"I do, I really do. I mean I'm in my prime and so's she, so we're perfect for each other."  
  
"Sure, Carey," said Clu-Muse, "Let's move on."  
  
He walked over to where Fi was standing.  
  
"Nice outfit, Clu," she smirked.  
  
"Clu-Muse," he corrected, "And the fig leaf wasn't my idea."  
  
Claire smirked.  
  
"Anyways," he said, "What are you here to tell us about, Fi?"  
  
She pulled out a slide projector, "Flames, the bane of all existence. I'm going to read you some particularly bad ones."  
  
She clicked the projector, "First, Christine's reviews. For ANNIE, INTERRUPTED:   
That was...disturbing. Not funny. I'm disappointed, Christine;   
I wish Annie died. You let me down;   
Awww... Poor Annie. None off them are crazy, she's right it is the outside world that is. But then again, everyone is crazy n their own way. Shrinks try to 'aolve' other peoples problems because they can't solve their own. It makes them feel better, when they can put people in asylums, it makes them feel powerful. Just my tidbit of craziness for the day. ^_^* PEACE OUT!!! ~Tricia*) –   
For E-MAILS TO DISNEY:   
Growing PAins is on Fox family on Mondays-Thursdays at 6:00-7:00. So Weird is on Fridays through Sundays at 4:00 Pm and 12:00 AM;   
Ok, I think u r a going a little overboard here. I mean the 1st couple chapters were funny, but you keep on going. I think you totally need to get over the whole so weird thing!! It happens!! Shows change or get canceled all the time. I have lost a few of my favorite shows to the untimely death of being cnacelled. BUt I mean, get over it and write astory about So weird if u love it so much, not some crappy fake emails to DIsney!   
Whoa girl. You're a little crazy there. – Vickie; are you serious about the voices and do you need a new therapist please email i am curious –snow princess  
For IF YOU ONLY KNEW:  
Why are there two chapter nines? - ;  
For LOVELESS IN L.A.:   
not bad for a prude like you;   
that totally sucked. it was stupid, saccharine sweet and nausea inducing. like that'll happen. nice fluff, i guess  
For REVENGE:  
Sucks!!!!! - me  
For SWEET DREAMS:  
I love this story. Good Job. Well done. The owners of So Weird own the character Jack. You might get into trouble claiming you own Jack. You should take that part out. How do you figure you own the character Jack? Not complaining or anything. No offence. Just wondering."  
  
Fi slumped against the projector, "I'm tired, let someone else talk about the others."  
  
Molly stepped up, "I'll do it."  
  
She clicked the projector, "Tabetha's reviews. Hers aren't as labeled, but, oh well. Here we go.  
Uh huh. Whatever you say;  
I HATE Annie. She is such a ditz. Hate her!;  
Blech!! Yuck yuck yuck. Carey and Molly??? I think not;  
that was sweet, but just a bit too weird! MOLLY AND CAREY??!!!!!! WHAT WERE YOU THINKING???!!!!!!!!;  
Please bring carey back what do you have against him i mean isn' so weird about the paranormal be paranormal bring carey back;  
Here's a stupid question: What are 'acrostics??? Answere if you want. you know my e-mail- I think. 'Cause you did e-mail me before;  
That was such a dumb ending I hate you"  
  
"Lovely," said Molly, "Stupidity is astounding, isn't it?"  
  
Clu-Muse nodded, "Yup, it sure is Mrs. P. Now who's gonna read Roger's reviews?"  
  
Ned stepped up, "I'll read them."  
  
He clicked the projector, "Roger's reviews for his naughty fics. For BEHIND CLOSED DOORS  
The teacher gives you an f... now go to the pricipals office for un exemplarary conduct... (principal office door opens and fiery hot flames come out, kingR is pushed into a chair were knived fingers grow and stick all his limps to the chair. KingR screams in pain. He looks across the football feild sized office to find a desk and grotesquely large chair facing the away from him. the chair turns around to reveal freddy Kreuger,.. He looks at KingR "DETENTION... FOR ALL ETERNITY" he laughes in his dark demonic voice, then walks slowly but terrifieingly arcross the huge office toward KingR his knived hand glinting in the flames of the office walls were blood covered limbs and body parts decorate the walls, some bodies still alive and writhing in agony KingR screams... the door to the office closes and we see nothing but the outside of the door, but we still hear KingR scream as Freddy nears, then KingR sreams, we hear tearing flesh. KingR still screams as the office and its door dissapear from sight... ...Teacher is now satisfied...  
For INTERWEAVED  
this is sick, dont ever ever write nething like this again, Im gunna thro up;  
hey, this is the "ummm" girl, look for one thing Im not a prude, I just have a mind. F'real I really DID slightly thro up once I "read" this..... I didnt even read the whole thing. This was sick, wrong, and just totally off....... I cant believe people actually find this stuff amusing..... this fact disturbs me;  
That was horrible. I can't believe people write this stuff. Its not right. Especially with characters from TV. Please, next time write about that stuff from another topic. Not So Weird. Little children watch this show! Uh..that is sick!;  
well, some parts of this story are kind of really good. but some parts (mainly the sex scenes) sound like a four year old wrote them. they are very choppy and unbelievable and forced. i give this story a 2/f case some is good but some sucks;  
WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM? YOU ARE RETARDED. WHY TAKE AN INNOCENT, DISNEY, CHILDREN'S SHOW AND TURN IT INTO THIS PORN FLICK? I AM SORRY BUT YOU'RE A PERVERTED, BITCHY, DICKY PRICK."  
  
Ned's eyes widened, "Roger, you write about…"  
  
But Roger was arguing with Fi about laptops and didn't hear him.  
  
"Okay," said Clu-Muse, "To recap, review a fic. Do not flame. I kissed Jack, and Carey is in love with Molly."  
  
"Hey!!!" came an angry voice.  
  
Clu-Muse turned, "Yes?"  
  
Tabetha walked up, "Christine got Jack, Roger got to see Jack and you kiss, Claire got to beat up Annie, what do I get?"  
  
A kitchen appeared on stage.  
  
"You, Tabetha, get to bake an apple pie with green apples!!!" Clu-Muse cried, adjusting his fig leaf, "Dang, this chafes…"  
  
Tabetha walked over to the counter and sighed, "I guess it's better than nothing."  
  
She was about to start coring an apple when Conrad appeared, a note in his mouth.  
  
"Hmmm?" said Tabetha, picking up the note, "Hello, I am Conrad. Annie scares me so much that I want you to become my permanent master."  
  
"I get Conrad!!!!!!???" she cried, "Wahoo with a side of Yahoo!!! Forget the pie, come on, Conrad."  
  
They left, leaving Clu-Muse standing there with a confused look on his face.  
  
"Um, well, okay, I guess that's it. Enjoy reviewing and good luck!! Wha…Claire? What're you doing? Hey, don't…AAAAHHHH!!!!!! Come back here with my leaf!!!!!"  
  
  
  
  
  
End  
  



End file.
